All Grow’d Up

Not sure who is feeling greater the Separation Anxiety here, myself or my 5 year old? Almost joining the 40’s clubs and yet here I am feeling strangely ‘under the weather’ since Wednesday morning, exactly. How does this relate to any form of separation anxiety? I think the YUCK I feel is just that; my own anxiety! The youngest is moving up in the world and has started her first week of half-day Junior Kindergarten. (I’m estimating, thats probably around the Pre-K mark for my good ole’ American readers).


While the last three years or so my life has been completely thrown upside down, my energy, organization skills, efficiency in everything I used to do, has been absolutely exhausted and my soul strength utterly depleted (that is no estimation!). I simply still cannot help but believe that I, as the SSAHM (SINGLE Stay At Home Mom of 2) that has conquered bankruptcy twice (both times, financial, emotional, & spiritual) overcome homelessness and food-less-ness more times than I care to admit (which we may or may not still struggle with at times)….. this woman of all silver-linings and positive attitudes, find myself having real life separation anxiety from sending my LittleF to Pre-K like this. !?!?! Really? 


I find it difficult to believe I am having separation anxiety. But, I guess I totally am. Looks like she’s all grow’d up and so I guess now, it’s my turn… What confuses me is that when I looked ahead from her younger years, I did not think I would feel such a strong sense of having to let go this quickly. I thought I had til at least teen-age lol. It has happened sooner than I had planned that’s for sure. 

I have come to terms with my own parental-separation anxiety, is a normal part of the process. The entirety of the rest of our lives watching our children grow now, is now about letting go really. 


We shall see what comes to the table next to get through. Hopefully, I will be able to start posting here again to keep track. Because I Promise, it is always something! 😉

Hope you will visit again soon! 💗

Your friend,

Jaynine


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Lessons while Driving

Each and every time, without fail, that I get the opportunity to drive any friends car, alone, without the children, on a nice day (or not); I cannot help but do a few of the following:

* HONK at cows!
A MUST!are you kidding me! They are the coolest creatures on earth and have a great life. Stand, sit, lye, eat, sleep, Repeat. If I believed in re-incarnation, I’d want to be a cow. (but, not one that would be harmed…) I’d have a bunch of fabulous buddies, hangin in the feilds, chewin complainin chatin, moooo’in; maxin and relaxin. Really! Feed me lots, and let me roam. Having already had, the opportunity to feel like a “milked” cow during breast feeding; I am not sure I’d mind that part very much either! Seriously, HONK AT A COW the next time you see a bunch on a country drive: WATCH their reaction! They really appreciate it!

** SING!
ooohh no, not just sing a tune here and there! I talking half way out the window like a dog on a hot day SING. Like in EVERY video of Mariah Carey type: hair stickin to my poppin lip gloss, beltin it out fearlessly–like I THINK I can actually sing. I cannot sing to save my own life but, I do it anyways!
What I enjoy most is the reactions I get from passerby folks or at the lights. Strangers starring. I just pretend I cannot see their faces. Holding a straight face is a difficult game. Some sing along, give a wave, look at me like I have 3 heads–doesnt change my tone. It is thee only place I know I wont see these people again.
TIP: Epecially fun when driving out of your own town.

*** PRAY:
Praying in a vehicle for me reminds me of when I first got ‘clean and sober’ 7+ years ago and ‘re-found God’ (whom had never left, another post..). There was once of these anonymous ‘poems’ or encouraging writings by someone just circulating around at the time with the suggestion: “..when in doubt, talk to the Empty Chair”. It was some kind of representation for sitting across a seat speaking to Jesus. I LOVED THAT idea, and in fact I used it often. In a vehicle is where I get that opportunity again. A reminder of the fresh newly renewed adoration I had for God that I had back then. I believed then, at any given moment I didn’t ask God to ‘be with me’ that I would die or relapse. “..And to relapse was to die anyway, that is just how it was for us (me)” … Which brings me straight into my next MUST and DRIVE:

*** CRY like a baby:
YEP, drive and cry. Pullover if it’s real bad even. I will cry to any song that has touching words. The beat or tempo has no meaning to me (unless its crap).
I CRY uncontrollably each and every single time I get to drive a friends car. It’s almost pathetic.

LIST OF CRYING SONGS:
“Christmas Shoes” seriously, don’t even try NOT to cry listening to that.
— “Livin On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi
(Original Version is nothing compared to live!)that’s another one of those ‘early sobriety songs’ for me.

TODAY, specifically THIS song HIT me in the HEART:

These are the words. No matter what “Genre” you care for, this song spoke to my core. The ‘humane being’ in me.
I don’t expect you to like it. agree with it…even listen to the words.
This was my moment today. In my experience, this was the uncontrollable cry for me today in particular.
(Here is the link to the words to read of the song.)

I can barely put into words what I felt inside today. About myself. About life. About people I knew. About humanity at it’s worst and it’s best. It. Just. Hit. Me. Hard. link to YouTube.
Close Your Eyes and Imagine Your Children.

I have never heard this before.
It’s an old one: According to my teen.
Take a listen here; or read the words.

THE LAST Song was: “People Like Us” by Kelly Clarkson I have never heard before. In the moment I needed an upbeat song! It fit the bill and I pretended to know the words as I sang….(listen or watch video below)
Instantly, I started thinking of my WordPress Family and friends. All of you! I don’t have time to list you all. Besides, you know who you all are. Not picking favs but a must mention Sista feels like an extended missing family member!

Driving lesson for today:
LISTEN, drive safe, pray, smile, laugh, have fun —
and SING REALLY LOUD when you drive!!!

What crazy stuff do you do while driving? Have you seen anyone like me drive near you? What is your first thought or reaction? Share your Comment below! We all love to hear them!

See ya’s later My Herd,
JayNine xox